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I want to stop existing. Not in the suicidal way. But in the no longer exist as a person.

I'm shit at art. I'm good enough to get compliments from non artist, but below average between other artists. My classmates are much better than me. Their 10 minute sketches are what would take me 2 hours to do. My own artistyle is mediocre at best. It doesn't have anything to make it stand out from others. It's not jaw dropping gorgeous, not realistic nor children's book-like enough to stand out. Its mediocre. It's shit. It's horrible. I'm a fraud for trying ot be an artist. For getting into uni school despite others being better than me. For attemping to make a carrer out of my shitty drawings.

I want to stop existing as a person. I want to become a concept. I want to become someone who can stay in her room without going out without consequences. I want to drop out. I want to eat only cakes and not suffer consequences. I want to escape reality. I don't want to continue existing as a person.

I'm shit at it regardles, so it wouldnt change much. I cannot make friends. I need to rely on my mediocre style to be approacehd by others. I need extreme situations to be able to muster up the courage to talk to someone. I cannot make friends. It's difficult to keep those recently made. I cannot have a conversation with someone despite wanting to talk to them. I either spend the hole time fidgeting with my fingers and looking at the ground or talking non stop whitout the other person. I can't make friends. And I think the people I've talked with think I'm a pathetic and weirdo girl who should stay away from them.

I think two of my friends actually dislike me and only talk to me out of pity. When I'm with them I can only not talk or become unable to stop talking about myself. I think they hate me. I've seen them look at me like I'm off. I know they think that. There's no other explanation. There's no way they actually like me. They probably I'm some wierdo that thinks we're the best of friends despite knowing eachother for two weeks. They probably think I'm weird for asking them to hang out next week. They probably dislike me. I should stop being so clingy. I can't even stay alone for half an hour in lessons. I don't like being alone. I hate it. I want to be alone in my room. I don't hate that. I like the solace of being alone in my room without anyone bothering me or looking at me badly. I don't like being alone in public. I don't like being stared at. I'm sure people judge me everywhere I go. I'm sure I get weird looks wherever i go. I don't like being out. I want to stay in my room all day. I want to drop out. I want to stop existing and become a concept. I want to run away from reality. I don't want to live here. I want to escape. I don't like being judged in art uni. I don't like critiques of my art. I know it's shit. I know it already. I know I have no future in art. I know my ego was inflated and thought I was good enough to become a profesional. I know I stand no chance against anyone else. I know I'm mediocre at everything i do. I know that already. that's why i want to stop existing. i want to stay cooped up in my room and not interact wiht reality. i want to create my own reality where my whole world is my room and nothing else. i want to eat cakes and not do anything for the rest of my life. i don't even know if i stll want to draw. i dont now. i dont know if tomorrow i will. i dont know if the day after tomorrow i will. i want to run away. i want to leave everyone. im sure noone actually likes talking to me. im sure they only do it because they know im desperate for social interactions despite being shit at them. i want to stay in my room and no longer leave. i want to stop existing to everyone else. i want to escape reality and create my own world. i dont like this. i want to do that. im mediocre. i dont want to do anything.